ignore this

sigh... my life will never be the same. there are now two choices... one is can i live with myself and the other is how can i make this better?

there are no secrets to tell, just to keep bottled inside me, i don't know how i can do this. i can't hurt him because i already love him so much... but i don't want to say anything because then he might decide that he loves me too...

my symbolic issue?

i can't figure it out, i know this feeling of unworthiness, it has followed me everywhere and was made so much stronger by my last realtionship. this isn't an excuse- there is nobody to blame for anything but myself. i guess what it comes down to is how small and meaningless it seems in the moment.

but when i am wrapped in his arms i feel safe and just smile. he makes everything better. i don't want to hurt him if i stay... but would running away hurt less?

i think it might. i think it probably would. i know it would, if....

but unless that happened, or if somehow i could change my situation, then i know we could be so happy together.

he is fascinated with vampires, for one. two, he is technically of another culture, and has been predicted by two psychics. three, he likes vampire bunnies. but the most important reason is that he is everything i've ever wanted, and to top it off, he thinks i am the best.... plus a whole bunch of other little things about him... sigh.

so, obviously i have some work to do. i don't even know where to start. i guess by being aware of my attitude and keep having hope even though no one else seems to believe in hope.

i have faced this before, and i believe i won. sort of.

i feel like i've died again, only this time it is much more sublte and i will never tell anyone, except for him. so it is like he is already my only true friend.

i could handle it if he never wanted to see me again. i would just cry and wander around lost, but i wouldn't die/// i would be glad for him that he could think of the best option for him and take it.

i would be glad i had met such a beautiful soul, and so happy that i didn't tarnish him...

but if i think like this it makes me feel soooooo vulnerable, like i could actually die, go bye bye, forget about love because love has nothing to do with me.

we watched donnie darko together, i feel kind of like that, just like if i could see the future i wouldn't want to even be in his life right now messing everything up.

maybe a giant nightmarish bunny will greet me in my sleep tonight....

analog - digital