2004-04-06 ||| 7:26 p.m.
what once covered my eyes has been lifted so i can see again. all this time i have spent in the dark, wishing on my heart to make it better, and now i can step out onto that ledge and look over without being afraid. it feels so nice to be alive again, sigh. but sometimes i can't discern meanings in eyes, in tongues and laughter. and who are you now that we've been together? did you forget how it felt or do you not want to feel it anymore?
whatever it is, i won't give up on you. if i can take my reservations and push them out the door, i may come to you and touch you, but softly like i was only an essence you tasted. you can drink from me and then walk away, but i will still be here in the morning.
i don't want to die alone.
the lilac in my vase emanates waves of memories, from last summer and all the summers before. when you picked me up so i could smell the purple flowers, my favourite scent. i dreamt of you last night, that i called you and we talked again. today i can only cry that you hurt me so much, but it was beyond your control.
if i look inside, i see numerous pathways leading to the utter immersion and loss of myself in the moment called bliss... and on the outside are antigenic irritations and sadnesses that compromise ultimate happiness. what is the required ration of nutrients to carry me along the path? like a negative charge that creates energy to move, the path is hard to choose. a friend says, follow yr footwork and it will lead you where you want to go....
though i was never good at dancing.
i thought you would have written to me by now. i thought a lot of things about you. some of them were true, some weren't. life is just like that.